It is Hard to say Goodbye When you Never had a Chance to say Hello

Most of you don’t know that, but I recently had a miscarriage. I was almost 10 weeks pregnant. I don’t really openly talk about this to anyone much, but i decided to write this blog because I felt so alone not realizing how many women experience pregnancy loss. I did not know it was so common until I had a miscarriage and the doctor told me that almost every woman go through a miscarriage once, but hardly anyone talks about it or even acknowledges it. I felt like I was the only one who experienced this. For me, it was the hardest thing since it was our first pregnancy. I tried to be positive and think everything happens for a reason, but I could never be positive enough. I did not want to talk about it at all, even with close friends or families, because I was so ashamed. I felt that it was my fault and that it meant I wasn’t good enough to be a mother.

Back in April 2018, while I was studying for my final exams for my last semester at BYU, we found out that I was expecting. We shouted out for joy and were excited about the baby. We fell in love with the baby even though we’d never met nor had it even formed yet. We immediately called the doctor to set up an appointment. The doctor recommend us to have the 1st appointment around week 10 into the pregnancy. We started to talk about the future of our baby. The love for the baby became stronger each day.

I thought that we could take one picture each month to record the baby’s growth, but I was only be able to capture the 1st month…

 Time went by and week 10 came. I was excited to see the doctor because it would be the first time I’d get the chance to see the baby through an ultrasound. Ryan, my husband, wasn’t be able to come with me since he had a job interview that day. I sat there waiting for the technician to come in. I didn’t know anything looking up on the screen while she did the ultrasound. I was thinking, “I can finally see the baby!”  My heart beat fast with excitement; finally I have the chance to see the baby I fell in love with since day 1. My thoughts were fluttering with random feelings of excitement, then the technician said “I see the baby. Unfortunately, I don’t see a heartbeat.”  

What does that mean? I didn’t know what she meant by that since it was my first appointment with a gynecologist. My thoughts of excitement stopped. I started to feel anxious and worried. The technician repeated, “I found no heart beat, you had a miscarriage.”

The doctor came in to take a look again. My head was full of hope and prayers that the technician was mistaken, or something was wrong with the ultrasound, and hoped that the doctor can find the baby’s heartbeat. 

“I’m sorry, your baby is dead.” 

I didn’t cry… I spaced out… I didn’t know how I should feel, or what was in my mind. 

“Don’t feel bad; you can always have another one.” The doctor said. Rather than being comforted, I was overcome with an intense feeling of loss. 

“It is 100% that it wasn’t your fault.” The doctor continued, but I kept thinking that maybe because I drank a few more cups of coke than I should have, or maybe I wasn’t doing yoga properly for pregnancies, or maybe I stressed out too much during my pregnancy which led to miscarriage… I kept thinking that it was my fault.

A few days later, with the doctors help, the baby was out of my system. I felt as though I had been robbed. It is hard to say good-bye when you never had the chance to say hello. While I was grieving, a scripture came to my mind. “I will not leave you comfortless…Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you; not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” 

I knew that I could lean on the Lord. The feeling of loss is still there, but instead of feeling angry and blaming myself, I feel peace and love from others for me. If any of you are going through the same thing I did, know that you are not alone, but many people out there have experienced exactly the same thing. You will overcome this! You are strong because you are a mother! 

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