It is Hard to say Goodbye When you Never had a Chance to say Hello

Most of you don’t know that, but I recently had a miscarriage. I was almost 10 weeks pregnant. I don’t really openly talk about this to anyone much, but i decided to write this blog because I felt so alone not realizing how many women experience pregnancy loss. I did not know it was so common until I had a miscarriage and the doctor told me that almost every woman go through a miscarriage once, but hardly anyone talks about it or even acknowledges it. I felt like I was the only one who experienced this. For me, it was the hardest thing since it was our first pregnancy. I tried to be positive and think everything happens for a reason, but I could never be positive enough. I did not want to talk about it at all, even with close friends or families, because I was so ashamed. I felt that it was my fault and that it meant I wasn’t good enough to be a mother.

Back in April 2018, while I was studying for my final exams for my last semester at BYU, we found out that I was expecting. We shouted out for joy and were excited about the baby. We fell in love with the baby even though we’d never met nor had it even formed yet. We immediately called the doctor to set up an appointment. The doctor recommend us to have the 1st appointment around week 10 into the pregnancy. We started to talk about the future of our baby. The love for the baby became stronger each day.

I thought that we could take one picture each month to record the baby’s growth, but I was only be able to capture the 1st month…

 Time went by and week 10 came. I was excited to see the doctor because it would be the first time I’d get the chance to see the baby through an ultrasound. Ryan, my husband, wasn’t be able to come with me since he had a job interview that day. I sat there waiting for the technician to come in. I didn’t know anything looking up on the screen while she did the ultrasound. I was thinking, “I can finally see the baby!”  My heart beat fast with excitement; finally I have the chance to see the baby I fell in love with since day 1. My thoughts were fluttering with random feelings of excitement, then the technician said “I see the baby. Unfortunately, I don’t see a heartbeat.”  

What does that mean? I didn’t know what she meant by that since it was my first appointment with a gynecologist. My thoughts of excitement stopped. I started to feel anxious and worried. The technician repeated, “I found no heart beat, you had a miscarriage.”

The doctor came in to take a look again. My head was full of hope and prayers that the technician was mistaken, or something was wrong with the ultrasound, and hoped that the doctor can find the baby’s heartbeat. 

“I’m sorry, your baby is dead.” 

I didn’t cry… I spaced out… I didn’t know how I should feel, or what was in my mind. 

“Don’t feel bad; you can always have another one.” The doctor said. Rather than being comforted, I was overcome with an intense feeling of loss. 

“It is 100% that it wasn’t your fault.” The doctor continued, but I kept thinking that maybe because I drank a few more cups of coke than I should have, or maybe I wasn’t doing yoga properly for pregnancies, or maybe I stressed out too much during my pregnancy which led to miscarriage… I kept thinking that it was my fault.

A few days later, with the doctors help, the baby was out of my system. I felt as though I had been robbed. It is hard to say good-bye when you never had the chance to say hello. While I was grieving, a scripture came to my mind. “I will not leave you comfortless…Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you; not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” 

I knew that I could lean on the Lord. The feeling of loss is still there, but instead of feeling angry and blaming myself, I feel peace and love from others for me. If any of you are going through the same thing I did, know that you are not alone, but many people out there have experienced exactly the same thing. You will overcome this! You are strong because you are a mother! 

Marriage is Hard, but It’s Worth It

Me: “Why am I the only one who thinks about what to cook tonight?”

Me: “Why do you keep taking my phone charger and putting it somewhere else?”

Me: “You are not romantic anymore; you don’t love me as much as you did right?”

Me: “Why are you so quiet when we argue? THAT MAKES ME MAD!

My husband: “Can you listen to me without feeling offended or getting hurt?”

                      “I never want to hurt you, but whenever I say something, it hurts you.”

Me: “Then don’t say it.”

Isn’t marriage hard? I have been married for 5 months. Yes, it is so short, but I’ve realized that marriage is not easy at all. Marriage brings two people’s lives into one life. Growing up, I always thought that when I meet and marry the right one, life would be perfect and I would live happily ever after with that person. Well, that is true, but also not true, because marriage is not that easy. There are days I feel so lucky to be with the one I love everyday, but there are days I feel like I’m trying to mix oil and water together. Marriage takes faith, love, and change. We have to work hard in order to have a successful marriage. Hard work doesn’t always show positive results on the first or second time. But the point is to keep trying until it works.

FAITH

Faith in what? Faith that everything will work out in the end? Why don’t people just live together before getting married, so that we’d actually know whether or not we get along well before committing to legal marriage? Well, then this is not marriage and marriage takes faith. Faith in your spouse, faith in the futures, even faith in yourself. But most importantly, faith in God and the Savior, and his Atonement that could bless your marriage. When all of us learn to have faith, we can overcome any challenges we may face in marriage. So, how do we keep our faith even after marriage? Do spiritual things together, keep doing the basic things daily, such as praying together each day and reading scripture often.

LOVE

I’m a very stubborn and straight forward person. He is quiet when it come to arguing. If there is something bother me,  I let everything out and speak my mind while he tends to hold in his feelings. We are pretty different.  At the beginning of our marriage, we promised each other that we would never go to bed mad at each other or without a good night kiss or saying ” I love you”, but in reality it is harder to keep that promise than you would think. When you are mad, you just don’t want to talk to that person. Do we still love each other? Of course, we do. But love is not enough in marriage. We are not perfect, far away from perfect; we sometime say things that hurt the other. I often ask my husband “Do you really love me?” And that hurts my husband all the time because he thinks that I don’t trust him. I do, but the words just come out naturally without even thinking. I kept telling myself that I wont ask him that question when we argue, but I fail almost every time! I learned that when an argument is coming, try not to question your spouse if they love you or not because even when they say they do, the answer still doesn’t satisfy you. You are just trying to make the argument bigger. So, the bottom line is that love of course is important in marriage, but it is not enough. When we have conflicts, three words “I love you” wont solve everything, but we each need to change! Change doesn’t mean that you have to change your personality. Your personality is what defines who you are. Change means to adjust some of your habits to become one unit with your significant other.

 CHANGE

I’m sure you’ve been in arguments with your significant other, but do you feel like you are always right? At least for me, I always feel that I’m always right because I have my own way of thinking about things.  I just don’t get why other person doesn’t see things the same way as I do. Even though I might tell my husband “well, it is my fault.” In my mind though, I think it is more likely is his. Well, same with the other person, he or she surely thinks that they are right.  That is when change comes! Who else hates change like I do? I hate being wrong. I hate making the effort to change. But if I don’t try to change,  I can’t expect the other person to change. I learned that when I’m mad I need to think before I say anything–stop finding the faults in my husband, and try to talk things out before it is too late. Again, this doesn’t mean that I will master this. Change is a process. You will find yourself fail almost every time. When you are angry, you wont remember or care about your resolutions or goals. All you can think about is how he needs to say sorry, and I need to make a cold face for at least a day so he will know that I’m not an easy person. But as you keep trying, the process of change will become a habit.

Isn’t marriage hard? But it’s all worth it. You are not alone, but you have someone there to listen and support and love you all the way. Marriage takes faith, love, and change. It is a hard process, but as you work hard and never give up, you will have a successful eternal marriage.

My husband: “I’m sorry.”

Me: “I’m sorry too. Are we friends now?”

My husband: “yeah.” We shake hands each time we end the argument.

-Sky